Wednesday, September 16, 2015

First days

My heart hurts today.

School has started for most everyone around here.  My Facebook feed is full of kids' first days in every grade possible, from preschool to college sophomores.

This was not the plan.  At over ten years married, I was supposed to have kids by now.  I should be talking about how me and my daughter were arguing about what to wear for picture day.  I was supposed to be helping my son find the best superhero shoes ever.  I am supposed to be crying because they are growing up, not because they are not here.

My house should be filled with kid noise, not TV and music and movies I use to fill the silence.

I do not know how this happened.  Or why it happened.  This was not the plan.

And today, I cannot muster the strength to deal rationally with where I am, let alone where I want to be.  All I can do is find the grace to be at opposite ends of the spectrum in my joy for my friends, and my heartbreak for me. 

And the worst part, I cannot even tell them how much my heart aches watching them.  How fair is it for me to rain on their parade of how proud they are of their kids? 

Not fair in the least. 

And so I sit at home trying not to fall to pieces over something I cannot control and cannot change.  It is what it is, and somehow I have to find my strength and find a way to stand tall, even when I am crying. 

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