Friday, September 18, 2015

Stuck: A Gramatical Dilema

Stuck. STUCK STUCK STUCK.

That is how I am feeling, and the part of my brain that is franticly looking for a way to deal with it has come up with a new plan; if I say it enough times, it will not mean anything anymore. 

Stuck stuck stuck.

I am fairly positive stuck is an adjective; but in English it is not definite if it is a permanent or temporary one. 

I am stuck.

Temporary or permanent?

I am tired, I am hurting, I am stressed, I am hungry.

I am short, I am straight, I am white, I am loved.

I am stuck.

This is where a second language would come in handy, but my Spanish is very rusty.  Give me a minute.

*searches for Spanish-English Dictionary online, my paper one is not helping*

Huh... this is interesting.
_______________

stuck

atascado
 
stuck
adjective
 
1. (trapped) 
a. atascado 
Help me! My leg is stuck between two rocks! 
¡Auxilio! ¡Mi pierna está atascada entre dos rocas!
 
2. (fixed) 
a. pegado 
All of the magnets were stuck to the side of the fridge.
Todos los imanes estaban pegados al lado de la nevera.
 
3. (unable to continue) 
a. atascado 
I'm stuck on this question. Can you help me find the solution? 
Estoy atascada en esta pregunta. ¿Me ayudas a encontrar la solución?
 

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

First days

My heart hurts today.

School has started for most everyone around here.  My Facebook feed is full of kids' first days in every grade possible, from preschool to college sophomores.

This was not the plan.  At over ten years married, I was supposed to have kids by now.  I should be talking about how me and my daughter were arguing about what to wear for picture day.  I was supposed to be helping my son find the best superhero shoes ever.  I am supposed to be crying because they are growing up, not because they are not here.

My house should be filled with kid noise, not TV and music and movies I use to fill the silence.

I do not know how this happened.  Or why it happened.  This was not the plan.

And today, I cannot muster the strength to deal rationally with where I am, let alone where I want to be.  All I can do is find the grace to be at opposite ends of the spectrum in my joy for my friends, and my heartbreak for me. 

And the worst part, I cannot even tell them how much my heart aches watching them.  How fair is it for me to rain on their parade of how proud they are of their kids? 

Not fair in the least. 

And so I sit at home trying not to fall to pieces over something I cannot control and cannot change.  It is what it is, and somehow I have to find my strength and find a way to stand tall, even when I am crying. 

Monday, September 14, 2015

Difficulties

Today is being difficult.

I was so excited.  The hubby got up early for work, and I got up with him.  I was going to be so productive and... then I lost my spark.

I've spent most of my day doing "nothing".  I tried to clean the office, but really didn't get very far at all.  I turned on my favorite TV show to help cover the silence of my home.  Then I switched to music, because I was just sitting watching TV, not listening as I went about my tasks. 

And my head hurts.  I know that people say that if you have a migraine you cannot function at all; that can be true, but for me, I can do many things still, I just have to be very careful.  I do not drive, I do not work outside by myself.  I also do not seem to be able to read for long periods, and my ability to focus, which is in ruins anyhow due to the severe anxiety I am dealing with, is beyond shot. I can still type fine though, and my brain keeps going whether my head is splitting down the middle or not.

This means that I am having a hard time sticking to anything for longer than about 10 or 15 minutes.

I have started three projects this morning, and none of them are going to get finished.  And I need to go put the laundry in.  Hubby is running out of socks No bueño.

Excuse me,  my 10 minutes are up and my brain is looking for something else to look at.  I think my quilting magazines are calling my name.

My word this is a messy post.

Maybe I need a nap.  Lets try that.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Tea Weather

I am so looking forward to it being fall.

At 8 pm in the evening this time of year it is not quite dark out and my poor tired brain has a hard time winding down.  My husband says I'm a lizard; I look for heat and light and stay there.  But once the sun begins to set, my body and mind begin to slow down. 

I think it comes from growing up on a farm.  Summer meant up from 5:30 am till 10 pm.  School starting meant we could sleep in till 6 or 6:30 and tried to be in bed by 9 pm. 

My hours are my own to set now, but I wonder sometimes how much my body remembers those years and has a default that says that the sun being up means I should be too.

I do not particularly love winter these last eight years or so.  For a few of those years we lived in a small town that has snow from October to April.  I have a driving complex as a result.  I am a fairly good driver, but I worry immensely about other people not knowing what they are doing and me not being able to react fast enough.  I have no fear of dying in a bad car accident, but I do have a fear of living through one.

For the rest of those years, I dislike holidays.  I love decorating, and having candles that smell like pumpkin and leaves, cinnamon and pine. I super stress about family get togethers though.  For Thanksgiving I stress about the food.  I eat gluten free and am never sure what I will be able to eat or not and tend to fall off the wagon between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  This adds even more stress and anxiety to the mix, not to mention migraines.  And for Christmas, I always want to find exactly the right present and stress so much that I end up having to buy something last minute that doesn't fit at all.

But I love fall.  I get to wear boots and scarves and sweaters!  I love scarves and sweaters!  And I get to turn the heat on in the house, which means I have to wear socks because we set our thermostat low.  And the only thing I love more than sweaters and scarves is SOCKS! 

I drink more tea in the fall and winter.  100+ degree weather in the summer means that tea is not a favorite beverage, and I begin to miss it by the beginning of July.  And me and tea go a long way back, longer than me and my husband.  I came to the conclusion long ago that my Welsh heritage is fairly dominant.  I sing a huge amount and fairly well with little training and there is no problem that tea cannot help at least a little bit.  My favorites are herbal and rooibos teas.  I do not favor traditional teas much at all, which is odd, but since nothing else I do is quite traditional, I suppose it is only to be expected.

The only problem right now it that, although it is September by the calendar, the weather seems to have not noticed that it is time for things to cool down.

I have attempted to have tea three days in a row now, and mostly end up leaving it to cool down before I drink it.  My husband keeps asking if I have forgotten it.

"No, I am waiting for it to cool off.  It is too hot to drink hot tea."

He laughs, shakes his head and brings me my tea.