Lately, I feel like I am disappearing.
Like pieces of me have fallen off and gotten lost. In many cases, I did not even notice till I went looking for them, and suddenly, they are gone.
And it is not just that they are missing, but that I do not even know what they were anymore. Some instinct has sent me in search of... something; but at the end of that search, there is just an empty spot. I do not know what I was looking for, but whatever it was, it is gone.
When I was 20 I had an emotional breakdown. I got to the total, complete end of my rope and got on antidepressants. For almost a year, I worked with my Dr. and a counselor to figure out the best tools for me to use. The pills only took me from rock bottom to feeling level, but never happy. Or sad. Or anything actually. And I wanted to feel things, so I looked for other tools.
After that year, I started getting off the antidepressants. And it was slow going.
I am exceptionally sensitive to medications that alter my body chemistry in any way. When we were first married I was on birth control. After the first six months I called the Dr. to see if I could try a different kind. She asked why. I responded that my side effects were making life hard for me. She asked what side effects I was having. I asked if she could pull up the list and when she did, told her I was having all of them, other than the life threatening ones. I had a new prescription by the end of the day.
So even on a very small dose of antidepressants, I had to go slowly. I went down a milligram at a time. For the 10 mg I was taking, it took me another 15 months to get off completely. I spent more time getting off than I spent on the full dose.
By the time I turned 23, I had been off the meds for almost 6 months. Unfortunately, my brain had rewired itself. Emotionally I felt like I was 15 again. I had to relearn how to process things, and did so at a rate that amazes me looking back.
Part of me wonders if that has to do with my missing pieces.
Six years later, is my brain finally catching back up to who I was before? And is it that, while I was trying to relearn how to process my emotions, and rewiring my brain to work the way I wanted it to, some things got left behind as unnecessary.
Funny, I typed that as a question and looked at it for a second and realized, it is not a question, it is a statement.
And the next thing that comes to the surface as I type: A huge part of why I have been feeling like I have is that I cannot find what I am looking for subconsciously, and so my conscious gets a little wigged out. And I get anxiety that I cannot connect to anything. Not because I am losing it, but because I am missing something I thought I had. And the thing my brain wants to use to fix things is no longer where it was.
So the big question is, how do you find something when you have no idea what you are looking for?
While I cannot, and truthfully do not, want to go back to who I was at 20, I do wonder what she knew that I have lost. And, if I knew it once, is it still there somewhere?
Because if it is still there somewhere... I just have to find it.
So maybe I am not looking for something with no idea.
I am looking for something that feels... familiar. Something that feels like coming home.
And that is not no idea.