Friday, November 8, 2013

Insomnia and Kintsukuroi

Well, I have learned some from the past... I knew tonight that sleep was just not going to come, that I could lay in bed , hoping for sleep, or I could choose to try something else.  Admittedly, I haven't been productive yet (although the dishes are calling my name) but I chose to stay up.  It was not something that I did as a "Fine, not sleeping, may as well be up"  but rather a "I am not going to be able to sleep, so I am choosing to stay up".

Turning it into a choice makes a difference.

It says that I had a choice to begin with, and that I could take control, rather than feel controlled.

I want to think a minute about a word that has come to mind over and over the last few years, and more the last few days than in a while.   BROKEN.  Trust, dishes, hearts, cars, bones, minds; anything can be broken.  And dang do I feel it.  The feeling that I have crashed and am in very small pieces that will never be able to be put back together.  And then I remembered something:

I love the last phrase on this: "understanding that {it} is more beautiful for having been broken".  I will never again be the whole person I was before I crashed, but I have been given the chance to be even more beautiful, inside and out, for having been broken.

This all ties together, at least for me.  I had insomnia tonight, and I knew that my options were slim, but I took control of my pieces and put them together in a way that allowed me to take a difficulty and make it more positive.  I will feel this lack of sleep tomorrow, but I do not think I will regret it as I have in the past.

I have the chance to take something broken and make something beautiful.  Perhaps, as much as I dislike being broken in the first place, I am one of the lucky ones there.  I know what I am made of, and how far I can bend, but also that I will break if I do not take care of myself.  So instead of hiding my broken edges, I have to learn from them and remember that I am strong, but that I am also precious, and must take care so that I do not break again.

I must remember that I have a choice, even when the answer is a given one.  I still have a chance to choose how I get there.  There are many roads that get you to one city.  Some are longer, some are prettier.  Sometimes you take unexpected detours because you read your map wrong.  As long as you keep going, you will get where you want to go.  And who knows what wondrous things you might find along the way, if you keep looking.

I am looking for gold.