My brain is exhausted. It is 2:22 in the morning, and my mental exhaustion is such that I cannot sleep. Part of me is desperate for sleep, and another part of me relishes being up so late, knowing that the silence is for a reason.
When my husband is home, we have a good time. We cook, talk, tease, and love the time we have to spend together. When I am home alone, I find the need to fill the house with sound; a movie I have seen so many times I can quote it forward and backward, music of some kind, something, ANYTHING to fill the silence. At night, the silence is hard, but it makes sense, it is a balm to my heart that aches for something to fill the silence during the day.
At almost thirty, I have decided that I need a career. I've had jobs, but it is time to let go of one dream and pursue a new path. So far, I have been unable to have children. They are all I want, but I have very little hope of getting them in the near future, no matter the path we choose. And I suck at being just a house wife. With nothing to push me, I have not been able to push myself, and so nothing gets done because it can always be done tomorrow. I must point out that I am not saying that a career is a bad thing to pursue, it is simply not my first choice.
I have spent the last year trying to figure myself out, trying to figure out how I tick, and all the while feeling that I would be unable to find anything that would help me change the pattern of how my life is going. The last time I threw my plan out the window, I married the man of my dreams six months sooner than planned. I do not know to this day why that six months was important, but it was. And so, I must have faith that this has a purpose, that this new plan that I did not want but that I need to follow will make the difference I could not find on my own.
As I sit here typing in the dark, I feel... not peace, but perhaps comfort. My plan needs tweaking, I may have a few odd steps to work out, but moving forward someway, somehow, must be done. The dream exists, but the path to get there is not what I planned or expected. I am brokenhearted, but somehow I know that it will all be for the best in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.