Thursday, October 17, 2013

Anything, Somehow

My brain is exhausted.  It is 2:22 in the morning, and my mental exhaustion is such that I cannot sleep.  Part of me is desperate for sleep, and another part of me relishes being up so late, knowing that the silence is for a reason.

When my husband is home, we have a good time.  We cook, talk, tease, and love the time we have to spend together.  When I am home alone, I find the need to fill the house with sound; a movie I have seen so many times I can quote it forward and backward, music of some kind, something, ANYTHING to fill the silence. At night, the silence is hard, but it makes sense, it is a balm to my heart that aches for something to fill the silence during the day.

At almost thirty, I have decided that I need a career.  I've had jobs, but it is time to let go of one dream and pursue a new path. So far, I have been unable to have children.  They are all I want, but I have very little hope of getting them in the near future, no matter the path we choose.  And I suck at being just a house wife.  With nothing to push me, I have not been able to push myself, and so nothing gets done because it can always be done tomorrow.  I must point out that I am not saying that a career is a bad thing to pursue, it is simply not my first choice.

I have spent the last year trying to figure myself out, trying to figure out how I tick, and all the while feeling that I would be unable to find anything that would help me change the pattern of how my life is going.  The last time I threw my plan out the window, I married the man of my dreams six months sooner than planned.  I do not know to this day why that six months was important, but it was.  And so, I must have faith that this has a purpose, that this new plan that I did not want but that I need to follow will make the difference I could not find on my own. 

As I sit here typing in the dark, I feel... not peace, but perhaps comfort.  My plan needs tweaking, I may have a few odd steps to work out, but moving forward someway, somehow, must be done.  The dream exists, but the path to get there is not what I planned or expected.  I am brokenhearted, but somehow I know that it will all be for the best in the end.  If it's not okay, it's not the end.

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