Monday, July 8, 2013

There again

I am so confused.

Life, as it turns out, goes in cycles.  And some cycles are generations in recurring.  Some are hours (laundry for instance).  And some, just a few years... years where you fight for the cycle to change, to be different, to take a new turn and start a new cycle.  And one day you finally take a good hard look at your life, and realize that if you don't hurry up and do something, you are going to be right back where you started, because you didn't do enough and the cycle hasn't changed.  And all you can do is sit on the floor it tears, because you can't, for the life of you, understand how you got THERE...AGAIN!

What happened?  Is it your lifestyle? Your caffeine habit (that is only once or twice a week)?  Your lack of vitamins?  That new vitamin that you just added a week ago?  The amount of sugar you eat?  Your house?  Should you paint?  Change the light bulbs out for something brighter?  Move the furniture?  Buy new drapes?  Read all the self-help books you have bought and have been given by well intentioned family?  Be more spiritual?  Meditate maybe?  Pray and mean it?  Go running?  Do yoga more?

And the list goes on, and on and on and ON!  Like laundry, it is never ending.  And just as you think you have taken care of the last thing, you get ready for bed and your shirt goes in the hamper.  DRAT!

And the really terrible thing about it, I don't have time to fall apart.  I will admit that I did, but I really don't need this right now.   I have way to many things going on in the next few months and I really need to find a job.  Hard to do that when you are a complete wreck and spend a good portion of each day telling yourself that if you can just get to 8 pm, you can go to bed.  Not even 9, just 8, and you can start over again tomorrow.  I feel like I am playing a really messed up version of Snakes and ladders, forward a step or two, back three or four, every turn.  I cannot get ahead.  And I am tired, so terribly tired, and it is only 3:40 in the afternoon.  But I woke up tired, with a migraine, and that just bodes ill for the rest of my day.

Confused about what to do and too tired to do anything anyhow.  I think me and my favorite blanket are going to go take a nap, because the little girl inside me needs to be loved and taken care of, and then perhaps the adult me can figure out what comes next.