My heart hurts today. I have been slowly falling to pieces for the last few weeks, and things were going better the last day or two, but today I woke up feeling so done, so tired, and completely heartbroken over a million little things that if asked about would fall into the category of "nothing", simply because they are so little on their own, but are collectively going to be the death of me. And the things I have gone to for comfort for years just don't match my need today. And so I write, because in writing I seem to find clarity, perhaps even the reality of what I am feeling and why I feel that way.
Perhaps the big issue today is a feeling of failure. I am almost 27... which is almost 30, and I have yet to do anything great with my life. Jack of all trades, master of none. I am tired of pouring everything into a project and STILL coming up short, in spite of everything I could possibly do, to the exclusion of all else. I remember in high school, I was working so hard to get an 'A' in English that I almost failed history, and did no better than a 'C' in any of my other classes. I can do anything, but not all at once. And today I cannot find the strength to remind myself that it takes time, and that I have to work at things one at a time. And that truth tastes so very bitter to me. I tend to feel that I should be able to do everything NOW, and have it all figured out and running smoothly by the end of next week.
And although it sounds like I am trying to be prefect, it's not actually about perfection, just about being the best me I can be. Doing the best for my very small family, and finding a way to do it with a smile. I know people like that, they seem to have the most hectic lives ever, but they still seem to manage to find what they need to live and be happy all the time. And for weeks at a time, I just seem to be trying to not to curl up in bed and stay there forever. It is a horribly tempting proposition, but even when I try to so it, after a few hours, I have to get up and do something. Even if that something means nothing in the long view of things, it still must be done.
This evening I was laying in bed, having given up about 5:30, with all the windows in the house open, listening to the wind in the trees around our house. I grew up in orchard country and spent many hours laying in the grass of the apple orchard by our house, listening to the wind. I was surprised at the amount of comfort that gave me, and the peace it allowed to come into my heart so that I could rest, instead of just being utterly miserable. I have a feeling that it will take more than this last few hours of rest to get me going again, but it is a start. And even though the ache in my chest won't go away, I will be able to sleep tonight and tomorrow we can try again.
And some day, I will be that person who has everything figured out and is always smiling.
And the next day, the world will end. And it will be okay, because I got it right at last.