Today I decided to try a yoga DVD I borrowed from my mother, and I learned something about it and about myself.
Yoga is about being healthy, but it is also about connecting yourself to the earth for grounding and the sky for centering. You must be grounded so that you are able to see things truthfully, and you must be centered so that you can dream and be open to whatever comes your way. I had to stop repeatedly during the sequence to sit and cry. It is only about 20 minutes long, but it felt like a lifetime for those moments.
I have not been taking care of myself. I have finally taken some time fore my husband and me, but no real time to take care of just me. Reading and watching movies I love does not count for this time. I need to be working on my spirituality, because despite the fact that I go to church every Sunday, I do not seem to get the renewal I so desperately need. The most likely cause of this is that I have not been talking the time the rest of the week to open myself to spiritual things. I fill my days with a hundred little things, all worthwhile in their own right, but of no value to me in the long run.
So what holds me back? Fear? Frustration? Worry? The depression that has eaten at me for years seems to come and go, but is always less when I am taking the time to look after my spirit as well as my body; although to be completely honest, I have not been taking care of my body very well either. I try to pamper myself, but I am wondering if my thought process there might be flawed as well. I give myself time to rejuvenate but am not doing things that actually help me any.
Huh... it is time to reorganize my brain a bit. I have been spending a great deal of time cleaning my house, trying to get some semblance of order out of years worth of junk, and it would appear that my brain is in need of some de-junking as well.
So, first we shall pick up the living room, that lets me see that I have done something useful today for my home. Then we are going through the yoga again, this time with more intention and perhaps a notebook by my side to write thoughts as they come during this time.