I utterly despise January, and February is not seeming much better. I find that the only word that seems to come even close to how I feel is heartbreak. And the reason I feel that way eludes me entirely. I have been tired, which is not much of a surprise, but I have also been depressed. I could blame the weather, but the sunshine we have had for the last bit didn't help much. I feel like there are so many things I SHOULD be doing but have no idea what those things actually are. Just a sense of being lost and knowing that there is a way out off all this, but I can't find it.
My anniversary is in just a few days, and there doesn't seem to be any reason to feel lost, but I always feel lost this time of year, and it seems to make what should be a really happy occasion into a drag because I can't hold together. Some years I have held together just enough to be kinda happy, but fall apart shortly thereafter. Other years I fall apart just before or the day of, and then it REALLY sucks, although all things considered, is it really all that much worse than to pretend?
I am so sick of trying to fix other people... not fix, that isn't right... I am sick of trying to help other people be who they want to be. They have this idea in their head of who they want to be, and they ask for help, or guidance, or advice. Once the advice or help is given, all they can say to you is "That is not how it works for me, that won't change anything because I don't work that way." It makes me want to shake them and say "Of course it won't work if you don't try it! And you are sitting here talking about changing how you think, so wouldn't the first step be to think something new and try something you have never considered before?!"
I have decided to move to Belize, or maybe Barbados. I do no good for anyone where I am, and the only result of these conversations is me feeling like a failure because I SHOULD have been able to help to give hope, to create motivation, to inspire. The reality of this is that I cannot do those things for others. Not because I am not a good enough person, but because in TRUTH, those people must find those things for themselves. The adage of "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink" becomes more relevant than ever in this sense. All the advice in the world means nothing if the person receiving does not actually care about it. And while help or advice is asked for, perhaps what is really wanted is someone who will just let them talk, and be a sympathetic ear. And I cannot be that ear anymore... because that ear needs to be attached to someone who does have the influence to help create a mindset of real change. And I am not that person. Not in this case, and so I must let it go, and next time, I must ask that I not be used as just an ear, because nothing will change, and because I cannot take it anymore.
I am weary, emotionally and physically, and if I cannot find comfort as well as give it, I need to take a step back and regain some balance for myself and my husband. He needs me, and I can help him as well as get help from him. So everyone else is going to have to wait, because my anniversary is in just a few days, and that is OUR time, and no one else has a place in it.