Friday, February 15, 2013

Yoga for beginners

Today I decided to try a yoga DVD I borrowed from my mother, and I learned something about it and about myself.

Yoga is about being healthy, but it is also about connecting yourself to the earth for grounding and the sky for centering.  You must be grounded so that you are able to see things truthfully, and you must be centered so that you can dream and be open to whatever comes your way.  I had to stop repeatedly during the sequence to sit and cry.  It is only about 20 minutes long, but it felt like a lifetime for those moments.

I have not been taking care of myself.  I have finally taken some time fore my husband and me, but no real time to take care of  just me.  Reading and watching movies I love does not count for this time.  I need to be working on my spirituality, because despite the fact that I go to church every Sunday, I do not seem to get the renewal I so desperately need.  The most likely cause of this is that I have not been talking the time the rest of the week to open myself to spiritual things.  I fill my days with a hundred little things, all worthwhile in their own right, but of no value to me in the long run.

So what holds me back?  Fear?  Frustration?  Worry?  The depression that has eaten at me for years seems to come and go, but is always less when I am taking the time to look after my spirit as well as my body; although to be completely honest, I have not been taking care of my body very well either.  I try to pamper myself, but I am wondering if my thought process there might be flawed as well.  I give myself time to rejuvenate  but am not doing things that actually help me any.

Huh... it is time to reorganize my brain a bit.  I have been spending a great deal of time cleaning my house, trying to get some semblance of order out of years worth of junk, and it would appear that my brain is in need of some de-junking as well.

So, first we shall pick up the living room, that lets me see that I have done something useful today for my home.  Then we are going through the yoga again, this time with more intention and perhaps a notebook by my side to write thoughts as they come during this time.


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Trying for Truth

I utterly despise January, and February is not seeming much better.  I find that the only word that seems to come even close to how I feel is heartbreak.  And the reason I feel that way eludes me entirely.  I have been tired, which is not much of a surprise, but I have also been depressed.  I could blame the weather, but the sunshine we have had for the last bit didn't help much.  I feel like there are so many things I SHOULD be doing but have no idea what those things actually are.  Just a sense of being lost and knowing that there is a way out off all this, but I can't find it.

My anniversary is in just a few days, and there doesn't seem to be any reason to feel lost, but I always feel lost this time of year, and it seems to make what should be a really happy occasion into a drag because I can't hold together.  Some years I have held together just enough to be kinda happy, but fall apart shortly thereafter.  Other years I fall apart just before or the day of, and then it REALLY sucks, although all things considered, is it really all that much worse than to pretend?

I am so sick of trying to fix other people... not fix, that isn't right... I am sick of trying to help other people be who they want to be.  They have this idea in their head of who they want to be, and they ask for help, or guidance, or advice.  Once the advice or help is given, all they can say to you is "That is not how it works for me, that won't change anything because I don't work that way."  It makes me want to shake them and say "Of course it won't work if you don't try it!  And you are sitting here talking about changing how you think, so wouldn't the first step be to think something new and try something you have never considered before?!"

I have decided to move to Belize, or maybe Barbados.  I do no good for anyone where I am, and the only result of these conversations is me feeling like a failure because I SHOULD have been able to help to give hope, to create motivation, to inspire.  The reality of this is that I cannot do those things for others.  Not because I am not a good enough person, but because in TRUTH, those people must find those things for themselves.  The adage of "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink" becomes more relevant than ever in this sense.  All the advice in the world means nothing if the person receiving does not actually care about it.  And while help or advice is asked for, perhaps what is really wanted is someone who will just let them talk, and be a sympathetic ear.  And I cannot be that ear anymore... because that ear needs to be attached to someone who does have the influence to help create a mindset of real change.  And I am not that person.  Not in this case, and so I must let it go, and next time, I must ask that I not be used as just an ear, because nothing will change, and because I cannot take it anymore.

I am weary, emotionally and physically, and if I cannot find comfort as well as give it, I need to take a step back and regain some balance for myself and my husband.  He needs me, and I can help him as well as get help from him.  So everyone else is going to have to wait, because my anniversary is in just a few days, and that is OUR time, and no one else has a place in it.