Friday, November 8, 2013

Insomnia and Kintsukuroi

Well, I have learned some from the past... I knew tonight that sleep was just not going to come, that I could lay in bed , hoping for sleep, or I could choose to try something else.  Admittedly, I haven't been productive yet (although the dishes are calling my name) but I chose to stay up.  It was not something that I did as a "Fine, not sleeping, may as well be up"  but rather a "I am not going to be able to sleep, so I am choosing to stay up".

Turning it into a choice makes a difference.

It says that I had a choice to begin with, and that I could take control, rather than feel controlled.

I want to think a minute about a word that has come to mind over and over the last few years, and more the last few days than in a while.   BROKEN.  Trust, dishes, hearts, cars, bones, minds; anything can be broken.  And dang do I feel it.  The feeling that I have crashed and am in very small pieces that will never be able to be put back together.  And then I remembered something:

I love the last phrase on this: "understanding that {it} is more beautiful for having been broken".  I will never again be the whole person I was before I crashed, but I have been given the chance to be even more beautiful, inside and out, for having been broken.

This all ties together, at least for me.  I had insomnia tonight, and I knew that my options were slim, but I took control of my pieces and put them together in a way that allowed me to take a difficulty and make it more positive.  I will feel this lack of sleep tomorrow, but I do not think I will regret it as I have in the past.

I have the chance to take something broken and make something beautiful.  Perhaps, as much as I dislike being broken in the first place, I am one of the lucky ones there.  I know what I am made of, and how far I can bend, but also that I will break if I do not take care of myself.  So instead of hiding my broken edges, I have to learn from them and remember that I am strong, but that I am also precious, and must take care so that I do not break again.

I must remember that I have a choice, even when the answer is a given one.  I still have a chance to choose how I get there.  There are many roads that get you to one city.  Some are longer, some are prettier.  Sometimes you take unexpected detours because you read your map wrong.  As long as you keep going, you will get where you want to go.  And who knows what wondrous things you might find along the way, if you keep looking.

I am looking for gold.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Some Days

I need to write.  It is just one of those day, but sitting here, I have not idea what to write.  I wish I understood the point to all of this mess.  I wish I understood the point; that there is a point I have no doubt, it is just what it is that eludes me.


There it sits, perfectly spelled out and everything; but even spelled perfectly, I still do not understand it.  

I felt so good about applying for that job, the one I had four interviews for and really wanted.  But, as it often happens, there was only one position and I did not get it.  I was one of the last two, out of over 200 applicants, and still my odds were only ever even.  Another position has opened in the same company, almost identical to the one I almost got, but I am terrified to apply for it.  Why would this be?  The worst that can happen is that I do not get this one either.  Or would it be worse to actually get the job?  I am so confused, I am not even running in circles anymore, it is more like bad crazy quilting, the kind that overlaps in all the wrong places with no pattern whatsoever.  

I need an occupation, a career, something that keeps me both busy and feeling productive.  Somehow, in the last year, being a wife is just not enough.  Perhaps this is because I feel that I am a failure at being a wife.  I try to get routines going, try to get things organized and in order.  Trying to downsize.  But somehow this is not enough, even on the days that I really get things done.  The days where I have dinner waiting  when my husband walks in the door from work; the days where the laundry not only got washed but also folded and put away; the days that the dishes are all washed and the kitchen is spotless; the days where I am doing, rather than simply being.  Perhaps it is simply that those days are so few and far between.  And for the last several months, I spend most days counting the smallest of accomplishments because nothing big happens.  

Some days all I have is that I am alive and out of bed. 

Some days my poor husband comes home from work and I have crawled back in bed.

Some days it takes everything I have to get out of bed in the first place.

These are important steps, but I hate that they are all I have.  

oh... something makes horrible, terrible sense to me.  I want to make a difference for others, but how the hell am I supposed to help other people when I cannot even help myself?!  

Add to this the fear that things will never change for me, that I will be broken for the rest of forever and never be happy for longer than a day at a time every few months.  

I am tired of the crap, the anger, the tired itself.  There is a  P O I N T, fine.  But I am not staying here any longer.  I am not a victim, not even of my own making.  I am not doing the "same old" any more, because it does not work.  I will beat this, because I have watched others give up and I will not make the same mistake.  I will not sit and let life go past anymore, I will go out and find it for myself.  I have no idea how this will work out, but I think I am finally angry enough to let go of the Devil I know for the Devil I don't.  And as I go about this, if people do not understand what I am doing or why, that is their problem.  There are some things I need to do for me, things that are hard and hard to understand if you have not had to face them yourself.  

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Anything, Somehow

My brain is exhausted.  It is 2:22 in the morning, and my mental exhaustion is such that I cannot sleep.  Part of me is desperate for sleep, and another part of me relishes being up so late, knowing that the silence is for a reason.

When my husband is home, we have a good time.  We cook, talk, tease, and love the time we have to spend together.  When I am home alone, I find the need to fill the house with sound; a movie I have seen so many times I can quote it forward and backward, music of some kind, something, ANYTHING to fill the silence. At night, the silence is hard, but it makes sense, it is a balm to my heart that aches for something to fill the silence during the day.

At almost thirty, I have decided that I need a career.  I've had jobs, but it is time to let go of one dream and pursue a new path. So far, I have been unable to have children.  They are all I want, but I have very little hope of getting them in the near future, no matter the path we choose.  And I suck at being just a house wife.  With nothing to push me, I have not been able to push myself, and so nothing gets done because it can always be done tomorrow.  I must point out that I am not saying that a career is a bad thing to pursue, it is simply not my first choice.

I have spent the last year trying to figure myself out, trying to figure out how I tick, and all the while feeling that I would be unable to find anything that would help me change the pattern of how my life is going.  The last time I threw my plan out the window, I married the man of my dreams six months sooner than planned.  I do not know to this day why that six months was important, but it was.  And so, I must have faith that this has a purpose, that this new plan that I did not want but that I need to follow will make the difference I could not find on my own. 

As I sit here typing in the dark, I feel... not peace, but perhaps comfort.  My plan needs tweaking, I may have a few odd steps to work out, but moving forward someway, somehow, must be done.  The dream exists, but the path to get there is not what I planned or expected.  I am brokenhearted, but somehow I know that it will all be for the best in the end.  If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Monday, July 8, 2013

There again

I am so confused.

Life, as it turns out, goes in cycles.  And some cycles are generations in recurring.  Some are hours (laundry for instance).  And some, just a few years... years where you fight for the cycle to change, to be different, to take a new turn and start a new cycle.  And one day you finally take a good hard look at your life, and realize that if you don't hurry up and do something, you are going to be right back where you started, because you didn't do enough and the cycle hasn't changed.  And all you can do is sit on the floor it tears, because you can't, for the life of you, understand how you got THERE...AGAIN!

What happened?  Is it your lifestyle? Your caffeine habit (that is only once or twice a week)?  Your lack of vitamins?  That new vitamin that you just added a week ago?  The amount of sugar you eat?  Your house?  Should you paint?  Change the light bulbs out for something brighter?  Move the furniture?  Buy new drapes?  Read all the self-help books you have bought and have been given by well intentioned family?  Be more spiritual?  Meditate maybe?  Pray and mean it?  Go running?  Do yoga more?

And the list goes on, and on and on and ON!  Like laundry, it is never ending.  And just as you think you have taken care of the last thing, you get ready for bed and your shirt goes in the hamper.  DRAT!

And the really terrible thing about it, I don't have time to fall apart.  I will admit that I did, but I really don't need this right now.   I have way to many things going on in the next few months and I really need to find a job.  Hard to do that when you are a complete wreck and spend a good portion of each day telling yourself that if you can just get to 8 pm, you can go to bed.  Not even 9, just 8, and you can start over again tomorrow.  I feel like I am playing a really messed up version of Snakes and ladders, forward a step or two, back three or four, every turn.  I cannot get ahead.  And I am tired, so terribly tired, and it is only 3:40 in the afternoon.  But I woke up tired, with a migraine, and that just bodes ill for the rest of my day.

Confused about what to do and too tired to do anything anyhow.  I think me and my favorite blanket are going to go take a nap, because the little girl inside me needs to be loved and taken care of, and then perhaps the adult me can figure out what comes next.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Done for today, try again tomorrow

My heart hurts today.  I have been slowly falling to pieces for the last few weeks, and things were going better the last day or two, but today I woke up feeling so done, so tired, and completely heartbroken over a million little things that if asked about would fall into the category of "nothing", simply because they are so little on their own, but are collectively going to be the death of me.  And the things I have gone to for comfort for years just don't match my need today.  And so I write, because in writing I seem to find clarity, perhaps even the reality of what I am feeling and why I feel that way.

Perhaps the big issue today is a feeling of failure.  I am almost 27... which is almost 30, and I have yet to do anything great with my life.  Jack of all trades, master of none.  I am tired of pouring everything into a project and STILL coming up short, in spite of everything I could possibly do, to the exclusion of all else.  I remember in high school, I was working so hard to get an 'A' in English that I almost failed history, and did no better than a 'C' in any of my other classes.  I can do anything, but not all at once.  And today I cannot find the strength to remind myself that it takes time, and that I have to work at things one at a time.  And that truth tastes so very bitter to me.  I tend to feel that I should be able to do everything NOW, and have it all figured out and running smoothly by the end of next week.

And although it sounds like I am trying to be prefect, it's not actually about perfection, just about being the best me I can be.  Doing the best for my very small family, and finding a way to do it with a smile. I know people like that, they seem to have the most hectic lives ever, but they still seem to manage to find what they need to live and be happy all the time.  And for weeks at a time, I just seem to be trying to not to curl up in bed and stay there forever.  It is a horribly tempting proposition, but even when I try to so it, after a few hours, I have to get up and do something.  Even if that something means nothing in the long view of things, it still must be done.

This evening I was laying in bed, having given up about 5:30, with all the windows in the house open, listening to the wind in the trees around our house.  I grew up in orchard country and spent many hours laying in the grass of the apple orchard by our house, listening to the wind.  I was surprised at the amount of comfort that gave me, and the peace it allowed to come into my heart so that I could rest, instead of just being utterly miserable.  I have a feeling that it will take more than this last few hours of rest to get me going again, but it is a start.  And even though the ache in my chest won't go away, I will be able to sleep tonight and tomorrow we can try again.

And some day, I will be that person who has everything figured out and is always smiling.

And the next day, the world will end.  And it will be okay, because I got it right at last.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Just life, not failure

Why is it that some days you wake up ready to take on the world, get a million things done and go to bed feeling like it was a wonderfully productive day, and wake up the next morning, wondering why you should bother getting out of bed at all?

I am on the second day of that situation, and am really kinda hating it.  Yesterday was great!  I did laundry, got to the bank, went grocery shopping, cleaned the kitchen, paid bills, and had dinner ready when my husband got home.  I was felling so good when I first got up this morning too, I was going to be even more productive than yesterday.  And so far, the last load of laundry is sitting on the couch, sorted into piles of "hang" and "fold".  So far, I have folded the socks.  All since about 8 am.  Wahoo.

And re-reading that, I couldn't help but laugh.  While I have not had the most productive morning, I was up at 7, and I showered and ate breakfast before I got the laundry out of the dryer.  I got my hubby off to work, and have been trying to think of what to have for lunch so he can eat as soon as he gets home.  (He has long and short days.  Yesterday was a LONG DAY and so today is a short one.)  What is it about my poor head that tells me that if I haven't gotten really going in the first two hours of my day, I am a failure?!

How asinine!

We begin again, and not even behind, because it is still morning, and I still have all day to get things done.  And I think I will start with picking up the living room, because the clutter covering not only mu couches, but also both coffee and end tables, is part of what is bothering me.  I am a cluttered person by nature, my whole family is that way, but in the last few years I have learned that clutter is VERY BAD for my sanity.  It makes me anxious and irritable, which, in turn, make me cranky and inclined to yell.  Not good.

So, 15 minutes on the timer for a quick pick-up.  Go!

Friday, February 15, 2013

Yoga for beginners

Today I decided to try a yoga DVD I borrowed from my mother, and I learned something about it and about myself.

Yoga is about being healthy, but it is also about connecting yourself to the earth for grounding and the sky for centering.  You must be grounded so that you are able to see things truthfully, and you must be centered so that you can dream and be open to whatever comes your way.  I had to stop repeatedly during the sequence to sit and cry.  It is only about 20 minutes long, but it felt like a lifetime for those moments.

I have not been taking care of myself.  I have finally taken some time fore my husband and me, but no real time to take care of  just me.  Reading and watching movies I love does not count for this time.  I need to be working on my spirituality, because despite the fact that I go to church every Sunday, I do not seem to get the renewal I so desperately need.  The most likely cause of this is that I have not been talking the time the rest of the week to open myself to spiritual things.  I fill my days with a hundred little things, all worthwhile in their own right, but of no value to me in the long run.

So what holds me back?  Fear?  Frustration?  Worry?  The depression that has eaten at me for years seems to come and go, but is always less when I am taking the time to look after my spirit as well as my body; although to be completely honest, I have not been taking care of my body very well either.  I try to pamper myself, but I am wondering if my thought process there might be flawed as well.  I give myself time to rejuvenate  but am not doing things that actually help me any.

Huh... it is time to reorganize my brain a bit.  I have been spending a great deal of time cleaning my house, trying to get some semblance of order out of years worth of junk, and it would appear that my brain is in need of some de-junking as well.

So, first we shall pick up the living room, that lets me see that I have done something useful today for my home.  Then we are going through the yoga again, this time with more intention and perhaps a notebook by my side to write thoughts as they come during this time.


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Trying for Truth

I utterly despise January, and February is not seeming much better.  I find that the only word that seems to come even close to how I feel is heartbreak.  And the reason I feel that way eludes me entirely.  I have been tired, which is not much of a surprise, but I have also been depressed.  I could blame the weather, but the sunshine we have had for the last bit didn't help much.  I feel like there are so many things I SHOULD be doing but have no idea what those things actually are.  Just a sense of being lost and knowing that there is a way out off all this, but I can't find it.

My anniversary is in just a few days, and there doesn't seem to be any reason to feel lost, but I always feel lost this time of year, and it seems to make what should be a really happy occasion into a drag because I can't hold together.  Some years I have held together just enough to be kinda happy, but fall apart shortly thereafter.  Other years I fall apart just before or the day of, and then it REALLY sucks, although all things considered, is it really all that much worse than to pretend?

I am so sick of trying to fix other people... not fix, that isn't right... I am sick of trying to help other people be who they want to be.  They have this idea in their head of who they want to be, and they ask for help, or guidance, or advice.  Once the advice or help is given, all they can say to you is "That is not how it works for me, that won't change anything because I don't work that way."  It makes me want to shake them and say "Of course it won't work if you don't try it!  And you are sitting here talking about changing how you think, so wouldn't the first step be to think something new and try something you have never considered before?!"

I have decided to move to Belize, or maybe Barbados.  I do no good for anyone where I am, and the only result of these conversations is me feeling like a failure because I SHOULD have been able to help to give hope, to create motivation, to inspire.  The reality of this is that I cannot do those things for others.  Not because I am not a good enough person, but because in TRUTH, those people must find those things for themselves.  The adage of "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink" becomes more relevant than ever in this sense.  All the advice in the world means nothing if the person receiving does not actually care about it.  And while help or advice is asked for, perhaps what is really wanted is someone who will just let them talk, and be a sympathetic ear.  And I cannot be that ear anymore... because that ear needs to be attached to someone who does have the influence to help create a mindset of real change.  And I am not that person.  Not in this case, and so I must let it go, and next time, I must ask that I not be used as just an ear, because nothing will change, and because I cannot take it anymore.

I am weary, emotionally and physically, and if I cannot find comfort as well as give it, I need to take a step back and regain some balance for myself and my husband.  He needs me, and I can help him as well as get help from him.  So everyone else is going to have to wait, because my anniversary is in just a few days, and that is OUR time, and no one else has a place in it.