Monday, June 4, 2012

If it's not one thing, it's three or four

I ran away from home for the weekend.  I came home refreshed, only to find that, in the long run, my problem is so much more than I thought.  To all appearances, I either care too much, or not nearly enough.  From my point of view, I am doing above and beyond what is wise for me to shoulder just now, and I worry about being able to handle what I have agreed to be in charge of.

From the other point of view (and this only from what I can tell by the way our conversations have been tending) I am doing just bare minimum and have the easy end of the stick.  Me being overwhelmed is not thought of because I am not being asked to do anything very hard or demanding.  The one thing I can feel sure of is that I have shown that I am not having any difficulties and am plenty strong for the task at hand.

Some days it is unfortunate to be such a good liar when people ask about how you are and you tell them you are pretty good AND THEY BELIEVE YOU!  This would not be such a difficulty were it true, but just at the moment, the person I am having many of these conversations with is under a ton of stress and I don't feel that I should be adding to her troubles by telling her the truth about the state of my emotions just lately, since it is not very good.  I am depressed (which is chronic, but in a valley of late) tired, anxious, angry, and overwhelmed by circumstances that are not my fault, but that I am part of holding what is left together.  And, in the middle of all this, I am trying to rediscover exactly who I am.  *sigh*   I think I may need to invest in a greater amount of bubble bath, or over the next month I am going to run out.

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