Monday, June 25, 2012

Nothing

Nothing.  What a bleak word.  No thing, no anything.  Isn’t it odd that the word that designates the nonexistence of something is the word people tend to use most when there is something of great importance, but they don’t want to tell anyone.

“What are you doing?”
“Nothing.”  This is usually said as a book, magazine or website is hastily closed or stuffed under a pillow.  For me personally, it is a romance novel that is very silly, or a website devoted to Harry Potter, and on occasion “Toddlers and Tiaras” on Netflix.  I am 26 years old, an adult; I have other things that really need my time.

“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”  When directed to a man, this can actually be an accurate answer.  If directed to a woman, she is lying.  Either her thoughts are very silly, and she doesn’t want to tell anyone, or there is something that is complicating her life.  For me, I have two reasons I answer this way:  one is that the person who asked me is part of the complication and I don’t want to discuss it with them just yet, or I feel that if I try to explain myself, they will discount my difficulty as trivial and not worth the worry.

“There is nothing to do!”  Usually announced in the throes of boredom, this should mean that the house is spotless, dinner made, the table set, laundry all done, and the animals fed.  It actually means that there is noting fun, exciting, stimulating, or thought provoking to do.  Laundry is never ending battle, the whole house is never clean all at once, and dinner is not usually planned very far in advance (not at my house anyhow).  There is always SOMETHING to do.

“It’s nothing.” When thanked for service or help given, this is often the reply we give, most especially when we are angry and frustrated with the situation at hand.  We have put our needs on hold, given our time (and sometimes money) to help this person out, and we are tired and SO OVER IT!  And they are not as grateful and we think they should be, under the circumstances.

“What have you been up to?”
“Nothing.”  We either have boring lives and this is true, or we are unable to express what has been going on, because it sounds much easier to deal with than it is and when we try to describe it, we find ourselves feeling stupid.  We would rather say that nothing is going on than try to explain what we do with our time.  

To all appearances, we spend our lives invalidating everything we think, say, or do.  Somehow we must make the conscious choice to allow that even the silliest, least productive things we do are alright to admit to.  We are always doing something, thinking something (unless you are a man, and then you do think nothing occasionally, which women envy) or saying something.  Even when we are asleep we breath and our hearts beat.  We must admit that "something" is happening, every minute of every day.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

To Consider

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7076/7275810372_f6bb7d8dd0.jpg

I will admit that I have never read this book, but I saw this quote today, and it made me pause.

Monday, June 4, 2012

If it's not one thing, it's three or four

I ran away from home for the weekend.  I came home refreshed, only to find that, in the long run, my problem is so much more than I thought.  To all appearances, I either care too much, or not nearly enough.  From my point of view, I am doing above and beyond what is wise for me to shoulder just now, and I worry about being able to handle what I have agreed to be in charge of.

From the other point of view (and this only from what I can tell by the way our conversations have been tending) I am doing just bare minimum and have the easy end of the stick.  Me being overwhelmed is not thought of because I am not being asked to do anything very hard or demanding.  The one thing I can feel sure of is that I have shown that I am not having any difficulties and am plenty strong for the task at hand.

Some days it is unfortunate to be such a good liar when people ask about how you are and you tell them you are pretty good AND THEY BELIEVE YOU!  This would not be such a difficulty were it true, but just at the moment, the person I am having many of these conversations with is under a ton of stress and I don't feel that I should be adding to her troubles by telling her the truth about the state of my emotions just lately, since it is not very good.  I am depressed (which is chronic, but in a valley of late) tired, anxious, angry, and overwhelmed by circumstances that are not my fault, but that I am part of holding what is left together.  And, in the middle of all this, I am trying to rediscover exactly who I am.  *sigh*   I think I may need to invest in a greater amount of bubble bath, or over the next month I am going to run out.